Darkness: When I graduated from Toccoa I got my dream job of being a campus security guard. I wasn’t just any security guard though; I was the #2 security guard. At night from midnight to 7am I was in charge of campus security. At a school of about 800 full students the job was as glorious as it sounds.

But as much as I disliked that job I also enjoyed it. I was treated well by my boss, I got to work with some friends and Heather and I had a few months to grow, be married and enjoy life before we ventured out into ministry land.

I also learned lots of lessons at that job. There’s something about being alone in the middle of northeast Georgia with nothing but a plastic flashlight and a set of keys in one of the darkest places known to man that will teach you some lessons about life. The most important was not to be afraid of the dark. I know that sounds silly but I think it’s natural that humans are afraid of the dark. When I started working I would patrol campus with my flashlight zipping the light to the dark places to make sure no one was hiding there. They would be hiding there to scare me of course. I was never worried about criminals or thugs but rather people hidden to scare me.

Sometimes I was supposed to enter dark buildings and unlock doors. At first I used my flashlight then as I got used to it I put the light away and just ventured out into the dark by myself. Sometimes I would get a little spooked (that’s for another blog) but generally I was ok. The best thing I learned that 9 months was no to be afraid of the dark because it was in the darkness that I challenged myself and I grew.

Today, on this blog I need to venture into the dark. I want to go it alone so I’m only inviting you to follow a few paces back. I’m not sure why I’m making this blog public and I might be only because I think sharing it with others and with the public is part of that venturing into the darkness. This is something I’ve needed to do for a while and today I’m going to do it.

Tomorrow is my little brother Doug’s 21st birthday. 21 years ago tomorrow he was born. I can still remember that day even though I was only 6 and a half. I remember how excited I was to have a little brother. However my brother won’t turn 21 tomorrow. Forever he will be 17. You see instead of cake and a party tomorrow there will be flowers and balloons on his headstone. Our small “presents” of memory will litter the cemetery and even though they ask us to not leave things because it gets in the way of the lawn mowers we’ll do it anyway.

Doug’s birthday is the only day I’ll go to the cemetery in the whole year. Maybe it’s my stubbornness but I think it’s my longing to hold onto the memory of his life. I think God agrees with me on this one. Because God wants me to remember Doug’s life and I think this is why my son Nathan Douglas was born exactly 1 year after we placed Doug at his final resting place. So tomorrow I will go and visit the cemetery and celebrate the 17 years of Doug’s life that I have to celebrate.

Yesterday my sister went with her 2 kids to the cemetery and my nephew Luke said, “Momma, you know Uncle Doug isn’t here right?” Beth said, “Yes, Luke I know that.” Luke went on “this is only the place where his old body lies, his new body is with him in Heaven”. Luke is the smartest 5 year old I know because he knows Jesus, just like his Uncle Doug.

My brother Doug took his own life 3 and a half years ago. I know that there are those who work with youth that read this blog. Please do me a favor and mention suicide to your youth at some point in the next few weeks, in honor of Doug’s life. You don’t have to teach a whole message on it but simply bring it up that it’s something some people think about and it’s something some people do. You aren’t abnormal if you think about it but you need to talk to someone about it. Ask for help from adults that care about you and if you can’t find any of those dare to do something crazy and tell the adults you don’t think care about you!

Thanks for walking into this darkness with me. Tomorrow we celebrate life, no matter how short and no matter how tragic the ending. Live life to the fullest, be used by God continually and surrender all to him, when you don’t have the strength to do that ask Him to take it for you.

The Barenaked Ladies cover a song by Bruce Cockburn called Lovers in a Dangerous Time one of the lines in this song is one of my favorite lyrics:
But nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight --
Got to kick at the darkness 'til it bleeds daylight